Butterfly

"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." - Trina Paulus



My life has changed so much since I last updated this blog. I don't really know what or how it happened, all I know is that one day I woke up. And somehow, I took a tiny little baby step towards myself, and it felt good. So I took another and another, and suddenly walking felt so freeing that I couldn't help it but jog. When jogging was not enough I ran, and the speed was scary but I couldn't stop… then I stumbled… but before I could fall, I decided to jump.

Everything was suspended for a while. There was silence, fear, sadness, doubt and guilt. Oh so much guilt… how could I leap like that, so selfishly towards myself and leave everything behind? But I did, and I had, and I have fallen into an incredibly fast river of downstream bliss. It's like I'm in a raft without any oars and life is taking me faster an faster, unstoppably, towards me. So many things have just HAPPENED. It has been hard, it has been scary, my god it has been tough. I have so many cuts and bruises, and sleepless nights and bouts of seemingly endless tears. I have hurt so many people in the way, I have done things that I'd never thought I'd do.

But I have learned that when I choose the only relationship that matters, I have me and I am enough, and there can be no looking back anymore because no matter how hard it has been to give up being a caterpillar, I have finally learned how to use my wings and I cannot not fly.

I'M STILL ALIVE!

And so is Rupert!

If you look closer you can see it has two new shoots coming up, and it seems to be perfectly healthy and happy. I a m soo glad I can keep this bit of my ex-workplace. Woooo.

I am aware I have not updated this for a month. I have been dealing with a roller coaster of emotions, and haven't felt like saying much. Sorry about that. Things are okay. We are considering going back to Mexico, if things don't get better and I have been making peace with that. Whatever happens we will be allright.

I CHALLENGE YOU TO HAVE A BETTER STORY

He was having a meeting nearby, and had agreed to have lunch with me at our place. I had gone out in the morning with my Aunt, and called him to let him know I was on my way. He sounded happy, urging me to get there soon, he was on his way too.

As I approached the door, I saw there was a post-it note on it. "You are always asking, so here they are", it read. I was baffled. I had absolutely whatsoever no idea of what this meant. Had he left a note for the cleaner? Did he lose his keys again?

I opened the door to find a single balloon in the hallway. Attached to it's streamer was a second post-it note.

"100 things I love about you".

I looked up. The living room was bursting with coloured balloons. There seemed to be hundreds of them, each with a note attached. Each with a reason to love me.


I froze. Tears came. I didn't know what to do, it was beautiful, lovely, sweet, and I was just blown away.

He came out from behind a door with the last ballon in his hand. My ring was tied to the streamer and the note read: "Because you make me want to marry you" And then he kneeled.


We have never done Valentine' s day. We don't need to.

# 8 READING

Today I woke up, brewed coffee, made caramel apple french toast, and sat down to the bliss of eating, drinking and reading a good book.

I love to read on days like this, where it's the weekend and it's cold, and you don't have to go anywhere. Days where you declare you are not doing anyghing and will take time to just enjoy. I love to lose myself in a good plot, to learn about someone else's life, or live vicariously some torrid romance. For me it's a way of relaxing and forgetting about life. It's a way of giving myself some me time in which I don't worry about work, or chores, or social life. And I am soo good at it, that if you talk to me while I am reading, I have been known not to even notice.

I love curling on the couch and just being there, being me, sipping coffee, turning page after page while the day just passes by. It's nice to stop and read sometimes. And I enjoy it the most, because if I ever have kids, it will become a scarce luxury that I will yearn for.

NEW YEAR'S QUIZ

Linda at Sundry always does this questionnaire thing for the new year, and this year I can actually participate because I have a blog!

So here goes.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
I noticed Spring for the very first time. It made me not hate winter so much. I worked in Fairtrade which was an amazing experience, and I also went to the Lake District which was something I wanted to do for years.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year, but I wish I had given up complaining.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, two of my Mexican friends did. One girl and one boy. Sadly, I haven't met them yet which sucks.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, unfortunately my cousin's friend died in August this year. It was very sad, he was in his early 30's

5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico. Then we had to send our passports to the Home Office and they have kept them ever since.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
My own flat. Also, a job. Although I did have one for the best part of 2008 so I don't know if it counts.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Visiting Mexico in March for the first time in two years was quite shocking. I felt foreign and overwhelmed and sad. It was a very good experience because it helped me realized how much I have changed here in London. Launching a product that I designed and project managed on my own was amazing. That happened (Or should I say ended?) in September. Also, the day after my Birthday I was made redundant from Workplace. It was a nice present (NOT!)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Launching my product (see above). It was very, very gratifying. Seeing it on the line coming out of the machine for the very first time was very cool.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing my job. I know it was the economy and not my fault at all but still, it sucks.
I also feel that I failed at being happier. Life got in the way a lot. I hope 2009 is better.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got a horrible cold twice in a month. That's about it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
We bought a Sony Bravia after not having a tv for almost two years.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My Husband's. He just impresses me with all the personal growth he does.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My Sister's. Life has not treated her well for a while, and she was angry and over sensitive for a long time. She is getting better though.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I very much wish I were saying it went to a house or a car or even a holiday. But nope, it went mostly to the old rent and food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The AGM of ex workplace. I won't get into it but it was life-changing for me. And not because I was in love with workplace or anything of the sorts. It was because I got to see firsthand what the Fairtrade movement can do, and the way it truly changes peoples lives.

Also: Product Launch!! My sister's visit. Finding out from Facebook that an old friend of mine lives here and having lunch with him, his wife and new baby. That was super cool.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Microdancing -Babasonicos
How can I keep from singing -Libera Choir version.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder. This time last year I had just started an exciting job with more pay. This year I have no job, no pay and no prospects. I am a better person though.
b) thinner or fatter? About the same
c) richer or poorer? Hmmmmm. I am going to skip this one.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Gotten excited about stuff. Played more. Felt happier. Exercised more.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I had worried less, gotten less angry, lost my patience less.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my Husband in our Flat in London.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I know this is really corny but Yes. I fell in love with life again after YEARS of thinking it was bleh.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Dragon's Den, Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, the UK version.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope

24. What was the best book you read?
Not the best writing out there but the "Twilight" series by Stephenie Meyer seem to be made of some sort of drug. Not only could I not put them down but as soon as I finished one, I had to have the next one. Immediately.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Can we skip this one too? I am not very musical. I am struggling with this though, I think I have to work on that a bit more. Maybe it will be a New Year's Resolution.


26. What did you want and get?
A woolen jumper (sweater) from Howies


27. What did you want and not get?
A job. A new flat to live in. A job for husband. Sigh.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Somers Town was really good.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had an amazing birthday. My sister came over to visit and I went out for dinner with friends. It really wasn't that spectacular but it made me realize how many wonderful friends I've made in this country which I wasn't expecting. I turned 31.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
One thing huh? Possibly Husband having a proper job.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Confused but tried for the most part to look decent. (Am working on that one too, it's easier when you have a bigger budget)

32. What kept you sane?
Abraham-Hicks

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Gordon Ramsay. I didn't care for him before, but then I started watching Kitchen Nightmares and changed my mind. I don't find him good looking or anything, but he is still... mesmerizing.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Are you kidding? The economy collapsed, and then I lost my job. Wah.

35. Who did you miss?
I missed my mexican friends the most. I really miss Latin American chat, and inside jokes, and just calling people for a chat or a bit of gossip. Friendships here are good but they are quite superficial. I don't really have anyone to talk intimately to you know? Share the juicy private stuff Sex and the City- style.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
That would be my Colombian friend Andrea. She is a breath of fresh air.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
It's not situations that bring you happiness. It's you.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I don't want to know, I don't want to go,
I don't want to go back into the city.
It's just a long long long lonely taxi ride
Going nowhere.

That is it for me. It was quite cool to look back on this year. I realized I spent most of it fearing Husband would want to go back to Mexico, hence, the lyrics.

If you want to join in, check out the directions on her site.

LIVING IN LONDON: NOT THE POST I WANTED TO WRITE, BUT STILL...

Hard. Fun. Freeing. Shocking. Stunning. Brilliant. Sad. Cold. Unfamiliar. Revealing. Blissful.

I have sat down to write this post millions of times, going through all that’s happened and I can never get past a few lines. The truth is I don’t know how to describe what it is like, and when I talk to Husband, and Sister, and Cousin, I suspect it’s very different for everybody.

First of all, imagine you have to pack your whole life in two 25 kg bags. TWO BAGS. What would you take? Pack knowing it will be about a year until you can afford to buy the stuff you left behind. It’s hard. We left everything behind. Everything. We sold all our books, cd’s, dvd’s, furniture, frivolous shoes, clothes, kitchenware, comforts.

Second of all, being here has been hard. Sometimes I think London doesn’t want us here, as if it had a magic spell against immigrants -albeit legal ones, but immigrants nonetheless- because I just can’t believe that after two and a half years we are still nowhere near where we would like to be. We have struggled to find jobs, and I don’t know if I have ever shared this on this blog, but, for reasons I won’t get into right now, Husband just doesn’t have one. I was lucky enough to find a job I loved but just as we were starting to feel confident that things would be all right after all, I was made redundant. In November. In the middle of the worst economic crisis there has been in this country for the past 70 years. We have also had quite bad luck finding a decent place to live in. Either we have had landlords from hell, or our rent goes up by 30%, or we find ourselves living in a damp flat with no heating (the current one). All of the flats we have lived in have had nightmare plumbing problems and we can’t seem to get out of the area we currently live in. Our money has disappeared from our bank account (don’t worry we got it back), and to top it all off, we have had several family emergencies that have forced us to give money we don’t have.

Now think of everything you didn’t pack and think it has been almost 3 years and you have not been able to get any of it back. Lots of the things that we had and did in Mexico that we took for granted have suddenly become luxuries. Like any kind of grooming, haircuts, highlights, manicures, waxing, makeup, frilly shoes, whims, movies, entertaining, dining out, traveling, books, games, everything.

Add Culture Shock to that, and it just sometimes seems like it’s just too much, like we shouldn’t stand it anymore and go back. And believe me, sometimes we’re tempted.

Except it’s also been great. It has been so much fun to live this, we have learned so much, and grown so much and also become much closer as a couple. For me personally, London has been an amazing self-discovery experience. When I lived in Mexico I felt vulnerable, sad, desolate and lost. I didn’t know what I wanted, or who I was. I didn’t enjoy life at all. I was just sitting there, passing time. I had very few friends, had been betrayed too many times, and cried many, many nights. I hated the City, hated the traffic, the pollution, the driving, and I couldn’t get a job.

I don’t know exactly what happened here, except that everything got better. I think realizing I had no control over life made me give it up, surrender it somehow. I woke up one day knowing I’d found myself. I saw myself everywhere, in the enjoying of nature, in the warmth of my husband, in the cold of winter, in the challenges of my job. I found friends that I didn’t know I could have, and being the sole breadwinner of a household made my confidence thrive. I am a joyful person here. I feel free, light, in love with life, and I would not change any of the material comforts we had in Mexico for that.

I shop on Oxford street, eat a cupcake from Selfridges, jog along the Thames River, walk along the South bank, and on a leisurely weekend I walk to Greenwich and put one foot on each side of the world. I can jump on a train and be in Paris in 2 and a half hours, or take a short plane ride to see my sister in Barcelona. I have been to a live concert of my favourite band, attended a conference with Michelle Gondry, seen a real London musical, and dined in the same restaurant as Mackenzie Crook (from the UK ‘The Office’)

Living here is amazing, trendy, chic, cosmopolitan and just plain brilliant. So maybe my house is not ideal, and we don’t have steady jobs, but we are young, we don't have any kids yet and I just know I will remember this adventure for the rest of my life. So, even if moving to London has been quite rough, I would not change it for anything.

#5 Winter

Hot Chocolate, cute knitted hats, roaring fires, duvet days, movie nights, Christmas... Oh who am I kidding I really don't like winter that much. It is dark, cold, rainy, humid, long, dark. Did I mention dark?

Before coming to London, I hadn't experienced a real winter. Mexican winters are VERY mild, California-style and really, people try to have one by wearing scarves and hats but pah! It is not cold.

London however, is a whole 'nother story. One day you wake up cold, and do not heat up again until spring. Most days it rains horizontally ensuring you stay wet forever.

Truthfully, weather could be worse as it doesn't really even snow much, but I am Mexican. Brr. Also: darkness. Around November, twilight starts at around 4 in the afternoon which means it is dark by 5. FIVE.

Oh wait. This blog is about things I like! Why am I trashing winter? You see, there is something good, even wonderful about winter. And that is that everything becomes dormant. Before living here, I had never seen bare trees, or experienced the dead eerie silence on the streets. I had not felt like hibernating, I had not felt blue for no reason, I had not felt eternally cold.

I had also never experienced the full blow of hope and joy that is Spring. Oh my God, how amazing it is to wake up one day to the sound of chirping birds, and to look out the window and see the tree has become full and green overnight. It is just amazing to feel the sunshine on your skin and to feel sort of... alive again. Your mood changes. People are out in the streets, laughing, having bbq's, playing music. There is so much hope in the air, you find yourself wanting to skip to work. Everything just comes back to life. It's like breathing air after being underwater for a while. Or like resuming a movie that has been paused.

And that is why I like winter. Because it makes me appreciate spring. It's always spring in Mexico and it's so constant that I used to take it for granted. Now it makes me realize life has its cycles. It reminds me that sometimes things are good, and sometimes not so much, but there is always hope you know? There will be many winters in life* but there will always also, inevitably be a spring after that.

*You know like now! I am going through my own personal winter! Am queen of the metafors! Ahem.

MIRACLES

It really starts with an idea. At first it is just that, a blurry dream, a long shot of wishful thinking. Most of the time you don’t really know where to start; you sit at your desk pondering, researching, trying to calm the anxiety and feeling generally terrified. You devise a plan, and improvise a timeline even though you have absolutely no idea of how long things like ‘proofing’ and ‘licencing’ really take.

You put your heart into it, doing the most obvious things first like tasting every single product currently on the shelf, and spending an awful lot of time on Google. After a few weeks you start to see the light, you have a path to follow now, things look up and you feel the familiar rush of eagerness and anticipation. You feel sure of this, it will be great! You know what to do! You love your job. You surprise yourself by jumping out of bed in the mornings. This is fun!

You spend a lot of time just waiting, waiting… there is a limbo of meetings, decisions to make and others to do their part. Everything goes surprisingly smoothly for a while, and then it doesn’t. The designer doesn’t get it, the budget is too stretched, manufacturers don’t want to work with you, and the product is more expensive than you thought. You hit rock bottom, and waste precious weeks looking for solutions. There are more meetings -grim ones this time- everybody tries to help, frustration fills the room.

You embrace the frustration as willingly as you embraced the happiness; you remember this is exactly what makes the end taste so delicious, this is what you will look back on and proudly know you have conquered. Phone calls turn bad. Meetings get worse. Timeline is long forgotten. You mourn the loss of your bonus, it was nice to dream about the holiday.

You surprise your boss by feeling optimistic. You have been here before. This is normal. This is nothing! You remember the time when the machine broke during launch, and you had to stay until 3 in the morning holding your heart in your hand. You have definitely had worse. You will get through this!

You find a solution and tread on, it is not as easy anymore, but there is hope. Your job is normal and routine like. Oh well. Such is life.

The project becomes blurry meshing with your other obligations. Everything is subdued and boring now. You are in limbo, in between projects: one unfinished, the other not allowed to start. Motivation is low. Time drags. You hand things over to the sales team. This is no longer your battle to have, and yet you linger debating over how to help out. You never stop loving your job though. It surprises you how utterly happy you feel. You wonder why you never ever thought about giving up and are pleasantly surprised by the answer.

Finally the day arrives: you have a listing, everything will be fine. Relief tastes amazing. The eagerness comes back.

This is the best part.

You secretly savour every second of it. You let the feelings overflow you; you love your job, skip to work, laugh out loud. You sleep again, life returns to normal. On the day of the trial, you pick up the first one coming down the line. Time stops and goes faster at the same time. Your heart races, emotion gushes through your body. It is too strong –overwhelming even- and for the tiniest second you fear losing it in front of the supplier. You obviously don’t, and the moment passes.

It is surreal, fantastic to hold a dream in your hands.

You can’t wait to dream the next one to life.