"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." - Trina Paulus
My life has changed so much since I last updated this blog. I don't really know what or how it happened, all I know is that one day I woke up. And somehow, I took a tiny little baby step towards myself, and it felt good. So I took another and another, and suddenly walking felt so freeing that I couldn't help it but jog. When jogging was not enough I ran, and the speed was scary but I couldn't stop… then I stumbled… but before I could fall, I decided to jump.
Everything was suspended for a while. There was silence, fear, sadness, doubt and guilt. Oh so much guilt… how could I leap like that, so selfishly towards myself and leave everything behind? But I did, and I had, and I have fallen into an incredibly fast river of downstream bliss. It's like I'm in a raft without any oars and life is taking me faster an faster, unstoppably, towards me. So many things have just HAPPENED. It has been hard, it has been scary, my god it has been tough. I have so many cuts and bruises, and sleepless nights and bouts of seemingly endless tears. I have hurt so many people in the way, I have done things that I'd never thought I'd do.
But I have learned that when I choose the only relationship that matters, I have me and I am enough, and there can be no looking back anymore because no matter how hard it has been to give up being a caterpillar, I have finally learned how to use my wings and I cannot not fly.
Butterfly
on Apr 11, 2010MY 25 THINGS
on Feb 12, 2009
1. I shower with unbelievably hot water.
2. I was 29 the first time I touched snow, 31 the first time I saw an actual
snowfall. I think it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
3. I don't think I could live without chocolate.
4. I am not a morning person, yet my favourite part of the day is the morning.
5. Subsecuently, my favourite meal of the day is breakfast.
6. When I was 18, I mistakenly thought I wanted to be a chef. I did a degree on something different and I've been working on that field for 7 years, yet most people still think I am a chef.
7. I don't enjoy cooking that much.
8. I really enjoy baking, though.
9. I am thinking of changing careers, and I reserve the right to change as many times as I wish.
10. I believe in Law of Attraction.
11. I really wish I knew how to draw. I would love to have a sketchbook full of interesting stuff.
12. I did not understand Spring, until I experienced winter in London. (It has made me appreciate winter)
13. I love to learn new things, and throw myself into them.
14. Loads of people ask me what I miss the most about Mexico. I always surprise myself by the answer: The Sun. (Obviously after Family and Friends!)
15. I 'found' myself in London. It sounds really corny but it's the greatest gift this adventure has given me.
16. The weirdest New Year's resolution I have made (and kept for the most part) is to give up complaining. It has yielded surprising results
17. I have very thin finger nails. They break and fold backwards very easily.
18. The most important thing I have ever learned is that it's not situations in life that bring happiness, it's you. I am responsible for my own happiness, and so are you. (Yes, I am talking to you)
19. I love to read. Strangely I tend to go either for the shallow chick-lit, or the deep spiritual-growth books.
20. When I find a good book, I cannot put it down or stop thinking about it.
21. I am a really good procrastinator.
22. My current lesson in life is patience. I'm getting there, but it has taken me years of practice.
23. I like to watch my husband play on his xbox. I hate playing on it myself.
24. I am afraid of becoming one of those New-age-namaste-to-you-raw
25. Oh, who am I kidding? I am a tree-hugger.
PS. Thank you for all your concerns. I am ok, just going through a period of writer's block. I sit here every day wanting to write, and nothing comes out. Hopefully I'll be back soon posting more consistently.
HOW TO EAT HEALTHIER
on Jan 22, 2009Hey! I am sorry for not updating after promising I would write the second part soon. I had stuff to do which I will probably also blog about soon too.
There are a lot of opinions out there about diets and detoxing and what you should be eating and not be eating, green smoothies, radical approaches etc. I don't want to make this post about that, because google has enough information as it is, but I do want to say what works for me. But I also want to note that I am aware that what works for me may not work for you, so by no means think this is the only way of doing things.
For me, the best way to approach eating healthier is to treat it like exercise: Start with something doable and build up from there. You can't go from being a couch potato to running a marathon overnight right? You have to slowly train yor body to respond, and grow and enjoy the movement, and I have found that the same thing goes for food. Slowly.
The first thing I would do is reduce the amount of preservatives in my diet.
Most processed food in American Countries (America is a Continent) is just chuck full of additives. In my opinion, it's worse to eat a small low fat, low cal, full of unpronounceables microvaved meal than to eat a huge organic steak with potatoes and loads of butter. Preservatives are designed to take the life out of food -so it lasts longer on the shelf- which benefits supermarkets and NOT consumers. I don't want to make a scandal of this as many others out there are doing, but if you are trying to eat healthier, shop in the perimeter of the supermarket -or better yet, go to a farmers market- rather than the center isles. Read the labels. For me, if I don't recognize the ingredients on a label, then it's not food. It may be something that entertains your mouth and calms your anxiety but it is not food and therefore, not very healthy.
Once I am used to cooking more, and my palate starts to wake up to the wonders of real food, I would strive for my 5 a day.
In reality, you should go for 3 vegetable portions (80 grams or 3 ounces per portion) and two fruit portions of the same size. (Please note potatoes are NOT vegetables) I have discovered if I plan my meals around this, there is not much room for other not-so-healthy food left.
I try to eat one fruit with breakfast and one for a snack, and one portion of vegetables at lunch and two at dinner. I do not always manage it, not because I don't like vegetables but because Husband thinks they are boring and too much (or actually, because I use Husband as an excuse not to go through the trouble of including the veg, and excluding something else) For me, this is the best way to eat healthier. Just strive for two portions of vegetables at dinner. Have you seen what 6oz of vegetables look like? It's a LOT of veg. Sometimes I make the vegetable the star of the main meal: stuffed tomatoes! with salad! Vegetable soup! Stir fry!
Whoa! Look at me all righteous and rambling like last time! I think this post has gotten too long, so I will cut it here, and make a second part tomorrow. Hopefully you'll still be interested?
RESOLUTIONS
on Jan 2, 2009
However, there are aspects of my life I want to improve on, and I think it's fun to write them here and re-visit at the end of the year to see what happened. So here goes:
- To be happier. Many people think it's a mixture of luck and life situations that bring happiness, but I think that is just an excuse. Happiness is a choice*. Every single thing in life has a good and a bad aspect and one chooses to focus mostly on one or the other. I want to focus on the positive bits of life. Constantly.
- To give up complaining. This is completely related to the above resolution, but I am going to write it in a separate bullet because I really want to work on this specifically. You see, for years and years I complained about everything, all the time. This year I realized complaining only attracts more things to complain about and worked on it for a while. It made me realize how annoying it is to listen to someone whine all the time, and it also helped me focus on the positive aspects of life.
- To be a better wife. Husband is amazing. I find myself constantly being impressed by the man he is and I just want to be the same for him. For this, I'll try to be more patient, be more involved in his stuff, and stop taking everything so seriously.
- To be healthier. I really want to exercise. The perfect thing would be to join a gym where they will ideally have a kickboxing or boxing class that I can take a couple of times a week. I obviously can't do that now due to the lack of job, but I can try for now to do something. Anything. I am going to aim for at least once week because it is more doable in the long term for me, and even if I do just that, it will be 52 more times I exercised this year than the last.
So there, not too many and mostly they are related somehow, but the best way to stick to resolutions is if you only make one or two. Let's see how it goes!
*Obviously there are people who are genuinely depressed and/or have other mental or health issues and could benefit from professional treatment.
NEW YEAR'S QUIZ
on Dec 30, 2008So here goes.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
I noticed Spring for the very first time. It made me not hate winter so much. I worked in Fairtrade which was an amazing experience, and I also went to the Lake District which was something I wanted to do for years.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year, but I wish I had given up complaining.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, two of my Mexican friends did. One girl and one boy. Sadly, I haven't met them yet which sucks.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, unfortunately my cousin's friend died in August this year. It was very sad, he was in his early 30's
5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico. Then we had to send our passports to the Home Office and they have kept them ever since.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
My own flat. Also, a job. Although I did have one for the best part of 2008 so I don't know if it counts.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Visiting Mexico in March for the first time in two years was quite shocking. I felt foreign and overwhelmed and sad. It was a very good experience because it helped me realized how much I have changed here in London. Launching a product that I designed and project managed on my own was amazing. That happened (Or should I say ended?) in September. Also, the day after my Birthday I was made redundant from Workplace. It was a nice present (NOT!)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Launching my product (see above). It was very, very gratifying. Seeing it on the line coming out of the machine for the very first time was very cool.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing my job. I know it was the economy and not my fault at all but still, it sucks.
I also feel that I failed at being happier. Life got in the way a lot. I hope 2009 is better.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got a horrible cold twice in a month. That's about it.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
We bought a Sony Bravia after not having a tv for almost two years.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My Husband's. He just impresses me with all the personal growth he does.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My Sister's. Life has not treated her well for a while, and she was angry and over sensitive for a long time. She is getting better though.
14. Where did most of your money go?
I very much wish I were saying it went to a house or a car or even a holiday. But nope, it went mostly to the old rent and food.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The AGM of ex workplace. I won't get into it but it was life-changing for me. And not because I was in love with workplace or anything of the sorts. It was because I got to see firsthand what the Fairtrade movement can do, and the way it truly changes peoples lives.
Also: Product Launch!! My sister's visit. Finding out from Facebook that an old friend of mine lives here and having lunch with him, his wife and new baby. That was super cool.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Microdancing -Babasonicos
How can I keep from singing -Libera Choir version.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder. This time last year I had just started an exciting job with more pay. This year I have no job, no pay and no prospects. I am a better person though.
b) thinner or fatter? About the same
c) richer or poorer? Hmmmmm. I am going to skip this one.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Gotten excited about stuff. Played more. Felt happier. Exercised more.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I had worried less, gotten less angry, lost my patience less.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my Husband in our Flat in London.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I know this is really corny but Yes. I fell in love with life again after YEARS of thinking it was bleh.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Dragon's Den, Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, the UK version.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope
24. What was the best book you read?
Not the best writing out there but the "Twilight" series by Stephenie Meyer seem to be made of some sort of drug. Not only could I not put them down but as soon as I finished one, I had to have the next one. Immediately.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Can we skip this one too? I am not very musical. I am struggling with this though, I think I have to work on that a bit more. Maybe it will be a New Year's Resolution.
26. What did you want and get?
A woolen jumper (sweater) from Howies
27. What did you want and not get?
A job. A new flat to live in. A job for husband. Sigh.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Somers Town was really good.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had an amazing birthday. My sister came over to visit and I went out for dinner with friends. It really wasn't that spectacular but it made me realize how many wonderful friends I've made in this country which I wasn't expecting. I turned 31.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
One thing huh? Possibly Husband having a proper job.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Confused but tried for the most part to look decent. (Am working on that one too, it's easier when you have a bigger budget)
32. What kept you sane?
Abraham-Hicks
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Gordon Ramsay. I didn't care for him before, but then I started watching Kitchen Nightmares and changed my mind. I don't find him good looking or anything, but he is still... mesmerizing.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Are you kidding? The economy collapsed, and then I lost my job. Wah.
35. Who did you miss?
I missed my mexican friends the most. I really miss Latin American chat, and inside jokes, and just calling people for a chat or a bit of gossip. Friendships here are good but they are quite superficial. I don't really have anyone to talk intimately to you know? Share the juicy private stuff Sex and the City- style.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
That would be my Colombian friend Andrea. She is a breath of fresh air.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
It's not situations that bring you happiness. It's you.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I don't want to know, I don't want to go,
I don't want to go back into the city.
It's just a long long long lonely taxi ride
Going nowhere.
That is it for me. It was quite cool to look back on this year. I realized I spent most of it fearing Husband would want to go back to Mexico, hence, the lyrics.
If you want to join in, check out the directions on her site.
