Butterfly

"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." - Trina Paulus



My life has changed so much since I last updated this blog. I don't really know what or how it happened, all I know is that one day I woke up. And somehow, I took a tiny little baby step towards myself, and it felt good. So I took another and another, and suddenly walking felt so freeing that I couldn't help it but jog. When jogging was not enough I ran, and the speed was scary but I couldn't stop… then I stumbled… but before I could fall, I decided to jump.

Everything was suspended for a while. There was silence, fear, sadness, doubt and guilt. Oh so much guilt… how could I leap like that, so selfishly towards myself and leave everything behind? But I did, and I had, and I have fallen into an incredibly fast river of downstream bliss. It's like I'm in a raft without any oars and life is taking me faster an faster, unstoppably, towards me. So many things have just HAPPENED. It has been hard, it has been scary, my god it has been tough. I have so many cuts and bruises, and sleepless nights and bouts of seemingly endless tears. I have hurt so many people in the way, I have done things that I'd never thought I'd do.

But I have learned that when I choose the only relationship that matters, I have me and I am enough, and there can be no looking back anymore because no matter how hard it has been to give up being a caterpillar, I have finally learned how to use my wings and I cannot not fly.

SLIGHTLY BUSY

Well. I have a blog! Which I love. With readers! Which I actually love too! Apologies for the lack of updates. Thing is, my work goes from this:



To this:


On a daily basis. I am stupid busy and also tired, but I'm going to tell you something. I am happy. Somehow, in the middle of it all, I have become that person who is bizarrely always happy. Smiling. Singing. Loving life. I am that person who people want to 'shut up already' because "sheesh woman! Life is not that good". But it is! Oh it is.

More on that later.

#9 SEAGULLS

Just a few steps from the flat where we live, there is a series of canals where you can find diverse members of the British fauna. My current favourite are the seagulls, which I can also constantly see flying in the sky outside my window if I sit in the right position on the couch.

For the four months I found myself unemployed, I would go on a walk every day to try and fight the cabin fever. And there they were, always managing to look calm and happy standing there on every single available nook and cranny, but going into a hilarious upheaval at the slightest sign of food availability.

They're greedy, catching crumbs mid air, not letting ducks get a single bite, but I love them anyway. I love to see them sleeping, standing on the rails one after the other. I love when they push each other out of the way with a flustered 'eeeee' to prove their point. I love when they circle around the water, seeming so blissful and free, like there is no care in the world because they are in the now, flying. I love the sound they make, even when it wakes me up sometimes too early in the morning.

But the thing I love the most, is knowing they are mine, my seagulls to see and hear and appreciate. They are not something I need to share with anyone, I don't need anybody to agree that they are amazing for me to be able to love them. And they don't need me to love them to be happy either. They are just so free. When I leave this house, this is the best memory I will take with me, the memory of peace, of having company during those lonely despairing months, of being free, just because I could fly.

TO JOB OR NOT TO JOB

Thank you everybody for all your comments on my job situation. I still haven't officially decided what's going to happen, but so far my decision is more inclined towards not taking the job. I get up at 5 a.m. and come back at 8 pm. I am exhausted beyond words. I come home and I don't have the energy to even talk to my poor husband. I just want to zone out in front of the tv and forget life exists.

I know from experience that this leads to a handful of problems: I will become frustrated and bitter, I will start hating to go there, hating to wake up, hating my employers, and hating myself. I've been there and done that and this is not who I am anymore. I don't think life is one of sacrifices and endurance. Life is meant to be fun. We are meant to do what feels good. So far, this job is not feeling good. No amount of money justifies that.

So we'll see what happens. Husband finally got some freelance work, and I am estimating that between both our jobs, we will have around 3+ more months of savings. Anything can happen in 3 months. If it doesn't, there is always the option of going to Mexico. I've made peace with that too. Life is good no matter where. All is well.