on Sep 6, 2008

I have been feeling very much in love lately. I know the obvious thing to spring to mind would be that this post is about my husband but it's not really about that.

I feel in love with me, with life. I wake up every morning feeling happy now, feeling alive. I walk to work with a smile, grin at strangers on the bus, laugh privately at everything during my day, and in the middle of it, I get these, these, feelings. They are like glimpses but instead having them with my eyes, I feel them with my whole being. Sort of like glimpses of happiness of bliss.

It's like when you have a dentist's appointment in the evening, and all throughout the day you get a creeping feeling for what is coming. Except it is totally the opposite feeling. I feel lucky, and happy, and exhilarated. I don’t know how to describe this other than that I feel like me. I am me. And it is wonderful.

I am just so thankful that I get to feel this way again. Before this experiment began, I was always angry, all the time. When I did manage to have fun, I felt hollow, like I was not there, like faking good feelings was the only way to have them. And I guess I was so used to it, that I didn’t think there could be another way, that there could be more. I thought happiness was not real. I forgot life could be wonderful.

Until now.

And I know this post is major cheese, but I don’t want this exhilaration to go away ever. I want to feel in love with life, all the time, forever. I want to tell the powers that be that I have had YEARS of sadness, anger, sorrow, despair. I deserve to be happy now thank-you-very-much. I do not want to go back to that, I do not want to lose myself again.

Except there was no power outside of me that did this. It was all me all along, the anger was me, and the happiness is me as well. All I need is to remember how to come back. That’s all. But it’s still a bit scary it’s not like I have a perfect life now, It’s just that I am happy in spite of it. I need to remember that I am happy because I choose to feel this way. It was not immediate, I didn’t wake up one day and felt happy. I did though, wake up one day and decide to find things to be happy about. And I worked at finding those things day after day, after day, until they became a constant.

I am writing this to remind me that I could do it again, that it is not that hard, that the results at the end are real. even when life seems to be a long dark wait for death.