New Husband, New Continent, New Language, New Job

on Aug 31, 2006

In less than 6 months, I have managed to experience three out of the ten most stressful situations a human being can go through. Truthfully, marriage for me has been quite alright (yes fights, yes difficult bits but come on we just moved to another country), I guess it has to do with the fact that I lived with my now husband for 4 years before doing it. Moving to London, has also been an incredible experience for me. I have tried to enjoy it as much as I can, and I have had lots of downs, but they have been due to the fact that I didn´t find a job and money was budgeted. Anyway, my very supportive husband was behind me in those difficult times, and I sort of developed a denial -and unfortunate comfort eating- mechanism to cope with the whole experience. However, a new job is a whole different thing. You can't just sit there and evade the fact that you´re doing something hard. You have to get on with it and face it. Also, I need to lose these 10 pounds.

Normally, a new job comes with a wonderful sense of hope, the eagerness and excitement of starting something is thrilling. In all my other jobs I returned home happy, thinking my days had gone "great". I threw myself into my days trying to make the most out of these first few weeks where you don´t yet know about all the problems, you are not responsible for anything, you are blissfuly ignorant. On those first days, your biggest concern is locating the good cofee stash and trying to remember everybody's name. This experience has been so different for me. And it's not because my co-workers haven't been nice or patient, or because I don´t yet have a desk or a computer, or because I spend the first half hour staring into space wondering how to make myself proactive. It's definitely not because nobody here wears nametags, and I haven´t been able to feel comfortable enough to make myself a cup of coffe. It's not even because I got lost today when delivering some samples and sort of felt I had screwed up. It is because at the end of the first day, I didn't want to talk about it. It's because for two days people stopped to ask if I was alright. For two days, I didn´t feel hopeful, or blissful or eager. For two days I didn't feel anything. I went into this really weird shock, in which I guess my mind was returning to my body and facing the fact of all that´s happened in less than 6 months. And my face showed it. And I looked terrified. I don't usually get scared of much. Okay, I do get scared of many things but I have never let them stop me. I plunge into difficult situations figuring the fear will go away eventually. It still hasn't dawned on me. I have yet quite some way to go, and I wish I could tell my boss (who I'm sure is regretting hiring me) that I am a great employee. That I can take my share of the workload, and that there is going to be a day when I will be a good part of this great team. But I can only tell her by showing her, and I just yet can't do it because I am incomplete. That strong, determined, passionate, fearless girl she interviewed is collecting all her . But she`s getting there. And it´s going to be great.